After one of the most contentious elections in American history, we are entering the holiday season when family dinners can be an argument waiting to happen.
Navigating holiday gatherings can be tricky in the best of times, and this year certainly poses extra complications as many feelings are still very raw over election results, said Johanna Solomon, Ph.D., assistant professor in Kent State University’s School of Peace and Conflict Studies.
It may not be a matter as simple as disappointment over who lost the election but what newly elected officials represent to others, Solomon said. Family members in the LGBTQ+ community, for example, could have real fear over how the changing political landscape will cause upheaval or even danger in their lives in the future, she said.
Solomon suggested setting boundaries with family members as part of a recent interview she conducted with Newsweek and offered similar advice when discussing election results as part of an interview with Time.
Unlike other holidays which may include activities such as games or gift opening, Thanksgiving is all about gathering around the table with others and enjoying a meal and conversation. So before you leave your family gathering with hard feelings, Solomon shared some tips with Kent State Today to help you keep your sanity and the peace.
Start With Introspection
“No. 1 for me is introspection,” Solomon said. “Take time to think about where you are emotionally before you even RSVP for Thanksgiving.
“Really think about who is in your family and what your family dynamic is and where you are going to be comfortable having Thanksgiving,” she continued.
Particularly when children are in the mix, ask yourself if it is worth exposing them to ugly comments on Thanksgiving. Keep in mind, too, that alcohol is often a part of celebrations and can change even the most pleasant relatives into more combative personalities when the topic gets sensitive, she noted.
If, after some soul searching, you know your emotions are still too raw, Solomon said it’s OK not to attend. “No one is going to hold it against you if you miss one Thanksgiving,” she said. “There will be many more.”
Know Your People and Your Allies
In large gatherings of extended family, one typically knows who among the brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins they are allied with on political and social issues. Solomon recommends talking to them beforehand and perhaps making a plan for when the conversation strays into less safe areas.
“Do you have an aunt that you can say, ‘If I give you the look, I really need you to bail me out of this conversation because I’m not ready to have a deep political conversation right now,’” she said.
Conversely, if you have one uncle with a knack for saying the wrong thing, it’s OK to keep the conversation basic or avoid him altogether.
Be an Active Listener
If you are ready to plunge into the deep end of the political debate pool, Solomon said it is important to be an active listener.
“You really need to be thinking about what active listening looks like,” she said. “It’s where you are genuinely trying to hear the other person, where you are trying to understand them and why they voted the way they did.”
After months of political debate and rhetoric, no Thanksgiving table debate is going to bear much fruit.
“But if you are going to genuinely say these are family members that I love and I’m genuinely curious why they voted in a way that I didn’t, or why they believe what they believe, and you are ready to actively listen to those family members, then Thanksgiving might be a time for that conversation,” she said.
However, Solomon still advises having that conversation away from the main dinner table.
Set a Time for a Later Conversation
Just because you may be ready for an active listener type of conversation doesn’t mean you want to have it on the holiday. In that case, Solomon recommends being proactive.
Talk to potential conversation partners during the holiday and ask if they are willing to have a future, honest and open-minded conversation about their motivations for voting how they did. Or if you know that one relative will be lying in wait to jump into a combative political debate with you, consider a preemptive strike. Approach them first, Solomon suggests, and say something like, “I’d really like to hear your thoughts on the election, but I don’t think the holiday is the right time to have this conversation. How about we schedule a date for coffee to chat about it?”
Hopefully, that will diffuse the situation before it even begins.
Stick to Less Sensitive Topics for Debates
We debate topics every Thanksgiving: Was the turkey too dry? Who has the best stuffing recipe? Fresh cranberry sauce or jellied from the can?
Stick to these types of debates where there is less chance of the conversation becoming angry, hurtful or offensive.
“There is a lot of common ground,” Solomon said. “There are a lot of things you can talk about at Thanksgiving. Talk about what everybody will do over the winter holidays or upcoming family events or milestones such as who just had a new baby. Or debate the food where it is actually OK to disagree.”
It’s OK to Leave Early
If all else fails, remember that you can always go home. If others at the gathering are making remarks that you find completely inappropriate, it’s OK to excuse yourself after the meal, Solomon said.
“There are a million reasons why you may need to leave early on Thanksgiving,” she said, “It’s OK to need to go home to let the dog out.”
Particularly on Thanksgiving, when there is often overeating, no one will question if you say, “Oh, the food was just so amazing, I ate too much and I’m not feeling great,” and head for home sooner than later, Solomon said.
“No one needs to know that it’s an emotional or psychological state, as opposed to a physical one,” she said.